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I was an obsessive-compulsive 14 year-old control freak. And I (barely) lived to tell about it. If you've missed me in Mortified, you can check out my performance transcript here. And you can also check Mortified for a schedule of upcoming shows in which I may make an alumni appearance!

I’ve always had an intense personality—my dad loves to remind me that I was giving dirty looks when I was six months old. My sisters can tell you about my reliable tantrums when I lost a game of “Sorry!”, which usually ended in me throwing the board. My parents told me it would be okay if I got a B in school, even in elementary school, but I never believed them. Why in the world would someone want to get a B?

By the time I was a teenager, things came together to create the perfect storm: I had inherited my mother’s food hang-ups, but unfortunately, not her thin body. She was a star runner and I idealized her athleticism. In the horse world, Mom would be an Arabian, while I was naturally more like my dad, a Clydesdale.

But, because I was 14, and did not yet understand the cruel injustices of the universe, I refused to accept myself as is. Plus, I loved ballet, and of course, there was no such thing as a fat ballerina. Armed with helpful “diet tips” from every teen magazine, I launched an unrelenting campaign of self-improvement. It quickly took over my life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 in intensity, I was a 15. My extremism/anal-retentiveness made it hard for me to be a “normal” teenager. Think Tracy Flick from “Election.” That was me.
These are my journal entries from 1992 to 1993, when I was 14.

February 12

If anyone ever finds this, I want you to know who I was. I am a girl of Eugene, OR, and a normal family. However, I am a typical teenager with some unique qualities of a girl my age. I think I’m fat and I’m really scared because I’m afraid I’m gaining weight and I’ll never be the same. I’m changing my eating habits to get things under control NOW before it’s too late.
I am a perfectionist with high ideals. I want to do everything right and lead a successful life as a beautiful person.
I want to save the world.
I’m going to be perfect!!

November 1, 1992

Lately I’ve had so much to do. I do schoolwork, exercises and ballet, yearbook, Student Council, choir, announcements, then all the little things. I try to have of course a perfect balance of friends, school, family, exercise, and free time.

November 2

I sometimes wonder whether I’ll be an obsessive-compulsive adult. But I can feel that pressure I put on myself sometimes, like in ballet. I feel I have to practice and be moving between every exercise. It’s just my will and desire to work and excel, it appears in everything I do. I don’t know whether this is good or bad.

November 27

…I demand a lot from myself all the time, but that’s what I love to do. It’s part of my personality. I’m so glad the term’s over. I worked really hard. I always do, but this term I really earned those A’s with all I’ve been keeping up with.. Maybe this is my motto: I thrive on stress.

November 29

I’m so inadequate. I’m going to ruin the Nutcracker, I didn’t jog this weekend and I eat too much. We’re barely going to school this month [because of winter vacation] and I don’t do enough things. Everything’s ruined. I always argue within myself that I get obsessive and too perfect, but my other side wants everything precise and perfect and it’s never good enough. Life used to be so simple and good as a kid.

November 30

I feel much better today. Things feel under control and that’s what I like: CONTROL.

December 20

I’m so nervous! It’s my last chance today [to dance well in the Nutcracker]. I expect a lot out of myself. I have to do great!

[The same day]

I BELIEVE I can do it! I am a winner!

December 21

My last performance was great! I loved it! And as I was backstage watching the Waltz of the Flowers, an idea struck me with sudden impact. I have a desire, in my heart, to be a dancer. One who lives, breathes, and speaks dance.

December 27

My New Year’s Resolutions

1. I will stretch at least twice daily, even when not in ballet, except when sick.
2. I will eat no junk food or fried things, and not splurge and eat too much.
3. I will exercise religiously no matter what I do, where I go, or who I’m with.
4. I will floss every day.
5. I will allow myself to adjust and relax to these resolutions.
6. I will save my money.
7. I will not use the word “retarded,” as it is rude and offensive.

January 1, 1993

Well, here I am, it’s 1993, I’m fourteen, complete with braces and zits, and psyched for the year. Maybe I’ll actually find a love, someone that doesn’t make me want to shove their head in a toilet and tell them about their stupidity and hopelessness. You can see I’m apathetic about the nearest familiar male population. Well, it’s no wonder with the losers I know. Nothing but a bunch of sex-crazed, selfish, perverted, unappreciative, idiotic, barbaric and rude pieces of shit that inhabit the earth.

January 2

I’m fat, lazy, gross, and a failure. No one cares about me. Whenever I’m mad, I clean or exercise, which is what I’m about to do.

January 10

I barely exercised this weekend, and I didn’t do ballet as planned. My exercises felt useless, and my butt didn’t even hurt after the squeezes. What am I doing wrong? I don’t exercise just because I want to keep trim, I want to totally be in shape and have a healthy heart [Right!] So I need more aerobic exercise. Like running. I need to do it much better. Everything. I need to practice ballet more, too. Oh, I’m such a failure!

January 29

I hate my fucking mother. She’s so stupid. Like, I was exercising, nothing was wrong, and she has to come up and get mad. I don’t know WHAT she has against it. I want to and no one’s forcing me, it’s good for me and doesn’t bother anything. I work in school and on my own, and get stuck with this family I hate. I’m not spending time with them. I’ll just exercise more, and never talk to them. I’ll stay in my room and not do anything with them and act depressed and sad. Actually, I know I’ll be that way, I don’t have to fake it. I can’t WAIT until I can drive and do whatever I want.

March 7

I want to rev up my social life! Tomorrow I want to call Kristy, Hanna, Meg, Tori, Leah, Hester, Brian, Annie, Mack, etc. I want to let people know they’re important to me.

March 13

Right now it’s about 7:08 am, and I’m doing the splits. I woke up at 6:30 and started my exercises. I have to follow these rules:
1. NO OVEREATING (only eat small meals and just enough that I need.)
2. No extra snacking.
3. No fattening foods.
4. Don’t spend a long time eating and leave kitchen immediately when done.
If I do these, I can get rid of my blobiness.

March 15

I’m lazy, fat, ugly, and a failure at everything. I worry I don’t have fun, I worry when I should worry and why. I don’t want sleep or food. I don’t deserve them. I want to suffer.

April 26

I saw Dr. Crist about my stomach. I’ve been taking Citricel and it works. Like today, I had gas and weird diarrhea somewhat. They said the pains were from stress, and I might have to change some things. But I haven’t and I hope I won’t.

May 2

It’s 7:45 on Sunday, and I’m debating going jogging. My one toenail is kind of ingrown, and before the skin around it was red and puffy, and there was fluid coming out of the corner.

July 19

Dad bought 2 kayaks, and we went yesterday. It was so fun! The only price is a huge blister on my hands. But I enjoy things like that. They make me feel like I’ve worked hard.

[A few months later…I probably got too busy exercising to write…]

December 27

Well, the year comes to a close, and many things have changed. I don’t get as depressed except occasionally, I feel more stable in my exercising, and I talk more to friends. When I read my resolutions for the past year, I said a lot about not eating too much. Now I’m at a good level, and I don’t worry about it. I didn’t quite floss every day, but almost. I did save my money, and don’t say “retarded” anymore. This year, my resolutions are:

-Show my friends and family how important they are.
-Pay more attention to friends and call those I don’t see more often.
-Make the most of every day.
-Don’t make such a fuss over food.

January 11

Things are pretty darn good. The guys are gorgeous, the days are good, the opportunities are there to seize.
I feel lucky. I feel lucky to worry over my next math test, or if I’ll get a boyfriend. Not whether I’ll come home to find my mother lying in a pool of blood, or if I could sleep through a night with no gunshots.

February 4

I feel so excited right now. Here’s a story I’ve been making up in my head. It’s like a future of myself in a magazine.
Stacy Carleton sits across from me, telling me a memorable story. The 28 year-old is fresh, successful, beautiful and smart. And she’s smiling.
“Life is wonderful right now,” Carleton said with a grin. “I love every bit of it.”
Loving life is important to Carleton, who struggled with anorexia and depression while growing up.
“I used to hate myself. I thought I was a complete failure if I didn’t do every last thing perfectly,” Stacy said seriously. “It was the lowest point of my life.”
With the past behind her, Carleton has reason to be smiling. As the youngest national newscaster, she is chief medical correspondent for CBS.
The icing on the cake came six months ago when Carleton married __________________ after dating for three years.
The next question. “Children?” I wonder.
“Let’s just say my career needs a little more nurturing right now. I’m in a state of bliss.”

© 2007 Mortified Media, Inc.