This article originally appeared in the Summer 2010 issue of the Oregon Humanities magazine. Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Love (Or Labor) Lost
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2010 issue of the Oregon Humanities magazine. Monday, July 5, 2010
Heavy Acts with Heavy Hearts Relate: Finding Hope in Literature
This essay first appeared in the Oregon English Journal, Vol.
XXXII, No. 1, pp. 6-9, Spring 2010. Sunday, May 9, 2010
Get Mortified. Again!

Live April 29 and 30, 2010, at the Mission Theater. For a DVD of the show, email sclarecarleton@gmail.com.
First, a little background: I grew up in Eugene with my 2 sisters and my mom and dad. I was always pretty intense and took myself very seriously. When I hit middle school, I went through the typical teenage mood swings, but my struggle with self-esteem and depression got pretty serious so my parents made me start seeing a therapist, which I was not thrilled about.
Then my parents got separated when I was in high school, and I felt the only control I had was with obsessing over food and being skinny. Being the only parent at home, my mom became the food police and the lucky recipient of all my adolescent rage. [Sorry, Mom!]
But even in the depths of my despair, I was still able to distract myself with boys and used my journal as my emotional outlet. And sometimes just writing about my day wasn't enough, so I also expressed my tortured existence through thinly-veiled autobiographical stories and poetry.
The following are my journal entries from March to September 1994, when I was 15.
March 6, 1994
I hate Mom…The bitch just wants to sit on her ass all day at home sticking her nose in everyone’s business. I can’t wait until I’m on my own and away from her. She’s such a nosy bitch. She wonders why I’m in a bad mood. It’s because of her. Enough about that idiot. Last night Ani and I went to the basketball game in Salem. It was so much fun. Today I’ll do everything I can to piss Mom off. She deserves it. I kiss her ass all the time and I can’t stand it. She’s so stupid.
Mom probably reads this too. Go ahead, Mom. You can read my other journal too if you really want. Why don’t I just lend it to you to use? It’d be much easier.
Dear Diary,
I’ve been feeling so gross. I’ve had this problem with constipation for a few days now. I’ll try to eat more fruit. That should do something.
We see Dad tomorrow.. Great, another cram-it-all-in-while-I-can session with sappiness and annoying comments on how pretty we are. I hate it. It just makes everything seem even more pathetic. I want to crawl away and hide.
Dear Diary,
Laughter
Mistaken for
Sorrow
A giggle
Or a sob?
Tears
Of joy
Or pain?
It doesn’t matter
They’re all the same.
Dear Diary,
When someone isn’t happy, I feel responsible. When things aren’t going right, I feel I have to do something about it or I’ll be blamed for others’ unhappiness. Why? I think I’ll do as my therapist said and study the feeling the next time I have it. What’s going to happen with David?? I hope something! Right now I think it’s important we at least strengthen our friendship. He’s funny, nice, good-looking, smart, fun, and a great guy.
Dear Diary,
FEAR
She is the girl you see at school rushing off to class or talking with her friends. She is the one who hides her problems behind a braces smile. She tries breaking free of the bars that cage her in, tried searching for the key to freedom. She runs endlessly from a shadow, but can outrun the mysterious figure no longer. It grabs her shoulders with its cold, clammy fingers and she is forced to face reality. The figure steps into the light, her heart pounds with fear. Its image becomes clear. She looks into its eyes. They are her own.
Dear Diary,
I am so pissed off. Mom is such a pain as usual. She’s always asking what’s wrong and saying, It’s just because I care, in her annoying way. Did she ever just think, maybe I don’t want to talk to her! She never shuts up about my weight either. She can tell me all about what I should be eating while she drinks all the damn diet pop she wants and uses nonfat margarine, the bitch.
Dear Diary,
I had a good day. I feel really good about myself right now. I love David! I have a strange good feeling this could last for awhile. I don’t know what to do, though. Sometimes I feel shy around him and I don’t know how to act. I am so afraid of rejection and disapproval. That’s why I hold back in relationships and don’t let myself go.
Dear Diary,
WHO AM I?
Never pleased
Always trying
Never happy
Always smiling
Never emotional
Always Crying
Never in love
Always longing
Never myself
Always me.
Dear Diary,
I know Mom and Dad have been reading this and I’m really mad. Can’t anything be private around here? What do they do, search my room when I’m gone? Well, as soon as I’m out of here I can do whatever I want. Ha ha! I’ll be free!
Dear Diary,
I feel like a dork. Things with David aren’t really going anywhere. It seems we used to laugh and joke a lot more. It just seems it came naturally and more easily before. I think I may be boring him. I feel guys’ll judge me and not like me if I be myself totally and not think about it. God, I’m too serious. That’s one problem. I really ruin a lot of my chances because I’m such a dork. I’m going to do something about that.
I get nervous that I’m too fat for Dave Matthews or Michael Stipe to like me.
Dear Diary,
Things are great! I love HIM so much! I even get this ache in my chest when I think about him and I want to see him. I want to see him and just give him a big kiss! (By the way, Mom and Dad, I hope you’re enjoying this.)
Dear Diary,
My eyes searched his face. Our gazes meet and I find myself staring into deep pools of mystery. I run my hand over his smooth cheek and let his silken hair slip through my fingers. We sit for a moment, his hand clasping mine at his face. In a slow, almost dreamlike movement, he touches his long finger to my lips, lingering there as if to tease. Then I sense his strong arms at my back, pulling my body toward his. I yield to his power, but still feel in control of my actions. His face becomes closer and our lips meet in a climactic unity.
Dear Diary,
I’m sick of going from depression to nervousness and panic. I want love. I want to spend long nights with him, just staring into his eyes and kissing his perfect lips. Yeah how many friggin girls have said this.
Well fuck them all.
I wish the world would go fuck itself then collapse and die.
Dear Diary,
My life is hell. Nothing makes me happy. I hate who I’ve become and I can’t deal with anything. I can only take so much pain. I wish I could leave the world and come back when I’m ready. I hope you’re enjoying this, Mom and Dad. Get out the Prozac, hurry!
Dear Diary,
Control
Slipping through my fingers
Happiness
A faded memory from the past
True joy
A language I once knew
Pain
A constant presence
I cannot feel your hand in mine
I lost the path long ago
Do you know the way
Dear Diary,
Today is the day. I am back on track. I will find myself, because I have lost my way and myself. I want to get the person out, the one who laughs and feels good and likes herself. But it will take a while to rescue her. It is time for it all to end and for it all to begin. Have respect for yourself. Make it your goal to FEEL GOOD. Be proud of your body. Kiss your boyfriend with glee. Because you are really happy and aren’t just putting on an act.
Dear Diary,
I already feel a lot better. Why did I waste all that time being gross and depressed? It’s amazing how I could live in depression for so long. I can’t be afraid to let out my feelings and rip them out into the open. It is healthier to face them and deal with them.
Dear Diary,
I have numbed myself. But it is now time to feel again.
It is time to find the person I once was
To kill the demons inside me
To be a person again
To laugh, smile and sing
And really feel it
Time to know happiness again
September 5, 1994
Today was a turning point in several ways. The last day of summer, the last day of work. I’m excited for change and new things. I’ve done a lot this summer and when people ask me what I did, I want to tell them-- I worked my butt off at Taco Bell, watched my skin become uglier as the days went by, went to a yearbook workshop, did 51 ½ hours of community service, learned to eat better, learned more about myself with the help of my therapist, went to the Oregon Country Fair, discovered my hair’s limits when it comes to chemical processes, had several conflicts with my parents and got over a deep depression. It was a memorable summer and all in all, worth it.
Want to share the shame? Visit getmortified.com for more!
Friday, March 12, 2010
In the Name of Humility, Part II

The discovery of another one of my 20-Below columns for the Eugene Register-Guard; circa 1997, age 17. This one involves TV, Marilyn Manson, and various other fuel for my teenage ranting. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
When You’re a Teacher

You think you’re going to reminisce about how you imparted all this great knowledge of Homeric similes, couplets, prepositions, rising action and political satire, but here’s what you actually end up remembering:
1. When April writes you her concerns: “Hi, sorry I’ve been skipping your class so much, but I can’t do all the side work that we’ve been doing, and I can’t deal with all the morons in the class.”
2. When Alex leaves a note on your desk: “In your face, ha ha I got my reading log done BEFORE you went on that field trip. HA!”
3. When you find a note someone passed in class that says: “I always thought Ms. Carleton was a guy cause of her voice!”
4. When you find another note someone passed in class that says: “Look at wat Ms. Carleton is wearing,” and you really wish you could remember what you were in fact wearing that day.
5. When a student turns in a final with the response:
Q: What 2 things can we learn from Romeo and Juliet?
A: 1. Love can come and go as it pleases.
2. Love can do weird things to the body.
6. When a student tells it like it is in his class notes:
The stages of life:
1) child/toddler
2) 5 to 9
3) 10/13
4) 14/18
5) 18/25
6) 25/32
7) 32 to your last days
7. When the classroom comment box tells you what they really think:
1. Less grammar notes
2. Less grammar notes because the first 45 min of this class make me HATE school
3. Your Hott
4. This is Ian and your cute
8. When you realize that today during second period Senior English you had armpit sweat visible on your t-shirt.
9. When you are asked to be the advisor of the Role-playing Game club, a surprise, as you have zero knowledge of role-playing. But you soon find the eavesdropping during club meetings is worth it:
Q: “Can I be chaotic evil?”
A: “No.”
“You don’t see anything but rats gnawing on corpses.”
“Yay for corpses!”
“I have a question: Can I fall out of a tree and land on a weasel?”
“I’m speaking Druidian.”
“Well, he doesn’t understand you.”
“I’m not going to play Magic either—it’s not my thing—too much pansy.”
“The funniest thing is when I took a badger out and it gnawed Jeff’s character’s face off.”
“What’s wrong with you? First you thought placenta was a food and now you don’t even know what 4:20 is.”
I recently submitted this to a zine to be published by the Independent Publishing Resource Center (IPRC), a great place for writers, teachers, and creators in Portland.
I Love Being Name-Checked

Review from the Willamette Week:
VoiceCatcher
When casting a wide net for women writers, this anthology catches a few great finds and dead fish.

BY PAIGE RICHMOND 503-243-2122
[November 21st, 2007]
Let’s be clear about one thing: VoiceCatcher (Lulu Press, $17.25, 244 pages) deserves to be read. This anthology is a labor of love—the 10-woman editorial board sifted through 300 submissions from Portland’s female writers before settling on 60 or so poems, stories and essays. Since publishing the first anthology last year, VoiceCatcher has created a supportive community for female writers. In addition to holding the Portland Women Writer’s workshops, the organization funds two annual scholarships at Write Around Portland, a nonprofit that provides writing workshops for recovering addicts, abused spouses and other disadvantaged Portlanders.
No doubt about it, VoiceCatcher is doing good work by encouraging women to write openly about themselves. That being said, the actual artistic work these writers are producing is, well, not that great. Some stories and poems in VoiceCatcher have their moments, but the complete collection is inconsistent, ranging from overly sentimental short stories about Athena-like mothers (“One Goddess”) to utterly compelling poems about a child’s tragic death (“Interment”).
Take the anthology’s two introductions, each written by a member of VoiceCatcher ’s editorial collective, as an example. “The Origins of VoiceCatcher. ” by Diane English, comes first, and is about the Mother Earth-loving, touchy-feely part of womanhood that makes men cringe. In one particularly mystical sentence, English writes, “Meditating one day to music with a steady drumbeat and the repetitive phrase, she who hears the cries of the world, voicecatcher enters my view and refuses to leave.” But the other introduction, written by Jennifer Lalime, is smart and simple: She quotes Victorian novelist and proto-feminist George Eliot while discussing the challenges and satisfaction of publishing a female-only anthology.
But it’s writers like Stacy Carleton who make VoiceCatcher worth reading. Her essay “Txt mg+tech+BF=OMG modrn luv” humorously documents how technology changes modern relationships. When Carleton divulges that her boyfriend first professed his love via text message and then admits “there was something about that [she] just couldn’t take seriously,” it feels honest. The best stories and poems in VoiceCatcher don’t use flowery language and loom-weaving main characters to embrace femininity; instead, they simply tell a story from a woman’s perspective.Anything written by a woman, in some way, is about womanhood. Even though Eliot (real name: Mary Ann Evans) chose a male pseudonym to publish Middlemarch a century ago, the book became popular because it realistically—and in plain language—addressed the position of women in Victorian society. Thankfully, women no longer need fake names to get their writing published, but sticking to “I am woman, hear me roar” poetry and Earth-mama fiction isn’t getting women anywhere. VoiceCatcher would do much better to step away from the loom and embrace a simpler, more modern, idea of womanhood.
READ: Editor Sara Guest and contributors Paulann Peterson, Amy Minato, Sage Cohen, Kristin Berger, Jo Barney, Amanda Sledz and Cynthia Richardson read from VoiceCatcher at Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Nov. 27. Free.
My Evening with Ira Glass (And a Few Other People)
An Evening with Ira Glass and the Ministry of Love: October 7, 2007
3:43 PM October 9th, 2007 by Jim Sandberg
This review of Ira Glass' Portland appearance on Sunday was offered up by Stacy Carleton, a local high school teacher and WW reader. (Psst: We’re really happy she used the term “chatterati.”)
Sunday, Oct. 7, 2007
“I wanted to go all Christopher Hitchens on this event,” Ira Glass proclaims to the overwhelmingly bespectacled, fleece-and-cable-knit-clad crowd that has gathered at the Convention Center on a rainy Sunday night. NPR-nerd-friendly, cheekily subversive humor catering to the predictably white, middle class audience further ensues (Emcee: “Now that Ira is not presenting at a church [as originally scheduled], tonight will not be all about atheism and gay sex”), along with OPB inside jokes (Ira to local host April Baer: “There’s something poetic about what you say every day: ‘It’s stop and go from the tunnel to the Banfield.’ It’s like the story of our lives. Oh, and then sometimes there’s some business with ‘the curves.’” Here I let out a whoop of appreciation, quickly realize that I’m getting a little too raucous for the backdrop of polite applause, and shut up).
For someone who, in his words, “talk[s] really quickly and [doesn’t] enunciate, and really has no particular talent for anything having to do with radio,” the This American Life host has been getting something right during his career that spans almost 30 years. TAL is currently the most popular podcast in the country, and if NPR chatterati has a reigning celebrity, it is undoubtedly Glass.
TAL’s success hinges on its unparalleled approach to the human story. With the over-saturation of irony seemingly poisoning every media well these days, TAL maintains a childlike curiosity and endangered sincerity as, week after week, it seeks to uncover profundities in the mundane. Its philosophy dictates that there is always something still worth investigating, whether it be the secret inner life of a tyrant (Glass explains Saddam Hussein’s penchant for penning trashy novels) or the fact that after thousands of years, scientists still do not understand why leaves on trees turn red (Glass: “It’s one of those things that makes you realize, ‘If we don’t know that, what do we know?’”)
This particular sensibility has prompted naysayers such as the Atlantic Monthly’s Michael Hirschorn to relegate Glass and TAL to a “quirk culture” populated by the likes of Wes Anderson, Miranda July and Napoleon Dynamite. (Hirschorn’s entire treatise is available here.) When questioned about this categorization by an audience member, Glass replies, “I hate things that are quirky. That’s taking the show to be the opposite of what it is. Ours is a Ministry of Love.”
Glass in person is reassuringly consistent with his radio persona. Like the words he uses to describe the stories on TAL, he is truly “human-sized,” and proves he deserves every ounce of his indie cred as my friend and I wait in line for 45 minutes to meet him. To pass the time, we debate an accurate description of Glass’ voice (Rule One: “hipster” is not allowed) and compromise with “East-Village-queen-meets-intellectual-but-unpretentious-Jew-meets-Valley-Girl.” As we finally get close to the front, I understand why the line has moved so slowly: Glass has genuinely talked to each and every person offering up books to sign and cameras to pose for. I’m glad he’s gone all “Ministry of Love” on this event.
[Post-script bragging rights]: Glass has been gathering contact information for an upcoming segment he is working on, and my friend and I fit the bill for the kind of stories he is scouting. After introductions, he asks for our phone numbers. But my brain is too flooded with celebrity-encounter-induced dopamine that I go all deer-in-the-headlights and forget to write it down. I do remember to include my email and an “I love the O.C. too!!” shout-out. Afterward, I’m just an insecure schoolgirl in the throes of post- “Do you like me? Check yes or no” note-passing anxiety, hoping I might somehow fit into the grand, yet human-sized, narrative.
